Every morning I do the same thing…..your mom!!!! OOOO!!! See, it works two different ways, ’cause I have sex with your mom AND I imply that she’s not even a person. See?!??!
Anyway, I do the same thing. I wake up and have a bowl of cereal splattered with milk out of one of the two open containers of milk we have in the refridgerator because Laura won’t drink out of the older one. I shower, dress and walk 2 blocks to the train station.
Once the train pulls into Baltimore, I either wait on the Penn Station platform or walk past the He-She to the UB/Mt. Royal station to catch a train to Lexington Market and the home office.
When I get to work, the real fun (and by that, I of course mean “monotony”) starts. I turn on all the lights, as my co-workers won’t be there for at least another hour or so, to carp about how they have tons of work to do, then sit around and discuss whether John McCain’s wife is hot or not. In the silence before the inanity, however, I can almost enjoy myself, so I settle down for the first of many hours staring straight ahead at a computer screen.
Invariably, the first site I visit is imdb.com, which also happens to be the focus of my first post (man, I bet you thought I was leading nowhere, but oooohhhh no, I am leading places…important places). I go there to start my day for a variety of reasons, including their ”Truly Trivial” and “Movie/TV Quote of the Day” quizzes, and the roll of 10-12 movie related links at the bottom. As a man who loves to watch movies instead of, say, writing a law review article, I can get behind this hardcore focus on the uniquely self-serious world of the ridiculously useless, aka Hollywood.
However, I also go there to learn. For instance, yesterday I went to the site and found out that Simon Pegg is much older than I thought. This could be good news, because it means that a 38 year old man can thrive mostly off of zombie movies and acting like a complete retard, albeit a British one. However, it could also be bad news if he spends the next/last 5 years of his productive life doing Star Trek movies, conventions, and sexing (make sense of that), until he’s a fat middle-aged wanker with nothing to offer me.
I also learned that Johnny Depp’s butt buddy, Freddie Highmore, turned an astounding 16 yesterday. He still looks 8, so I imagine he doesn’t have anything to worry about for a while. However, in a year or two, his age might start to creep through, and Depp might start to “find neverland” somewhere else other than Highmore’s East End. If you are asking whether I am implying that Depp is a homosexual pedophile, then you are a moron. Also, I am jealous of Highmore, mostly for the fudgepackery.
The real benefit of imdb.com, however, are the sections delivering “news” from around the world, straight to my cubicle. Did you know Jane Fonda said “cunt” on television yesterday? This marks the second time in a year (Andrew showing me the clip of her on Colbert’s show in one of Andrew’s Comedy Central fugues) where I was shocked, shocked at Ms. Fonda’s behavior…I mean, aren’t corpses supposed to be, you know, more dead? In more “news,” some chick who was apparently in “The Crow” 14 years ago pulled a Winona Ryder on a LAX gift store, the Coen brothers are attempting to cement their reputations for being genius writers and directors by co-directing (i.e. doing half the work of a normal director) a movie based on a book by someone else….AGAIN (this time Chabon’s Yiddish Policeman’s Union), and Jason Biggs, who was briefly famous for fucking a pie, is having a child. Splendid.
The best news item of the day, however, was this:
“Actress Michelle Williams opened up about her failed relationship to Heath Ledger just weeks before the death of the tragic star. In an interview with Britain’s Wonderland Magazine published this month, the Oscar-nominated Brokeback Mountain beauty discussed how much her life had changed since her September 2007 split from fiance Ledger, admitting she has learned not to plan too far ahead in the future.”
Two things immediately jumped out at me from this. First, they called her a “beauty.” I will try to say this politely…she’s…uh…fucking disgusting, like a walking duck parading as an ugly human. Second, I’m not sure the lesson to be learned from some guy taking about 7 different pain killers and sleeping pills is to “not plan ahead.” Especially if, you know, you’re the mother of a 2 year-old child who just lost her dad to his having ingested 7 different kinds of prescription medication. I’d suggest, instead, planning way ahead…like for the psychiatrist to normify (the best word) a kid whose dad died when she was 2, and whose mother is an ugly whore duck who was famous for making out with a cereal box. The End.
