Hardwood…The Boring Kind

So I lived through six (6, for those who can only read numbers, which seems idiotic given that you can read the rest of these words, presumably) live-action college basketball games. I would write about them, but then this post would be doubly boring, and in two temporal spaces. So I will only use the past to sparingly flavor the future, the way I only use my man juices to sparingly flavor your mother’s mouth. Yessss (strokes chin approvingly and/or sexually).

So, because there aren’t enough people covering it, here’s a preview of the Sweet 16, done in order of individual teams I can think up jokes for:

Western Kentucky – One great player with a girl’s name (Courtney Lee), a good player with a black name (Tyrone Brazelton) and some other guys. In other words…a team. They beat a mid-major with a Korver on it, then another mid-major with no Kutcher look-alike. Congrats. Now they get UCLA. Wrap up the baby and throw it in the dumpster, this Southerner’s prom is OVER.

UCLA – Their ”best” player is a white guy who can draw fouls inside. They are my co-favorites to make the final/win the tournament. These facts are not unrelated.

North Carolina – Their “best” player is a white guy who can draw fouls inside. They are my co-favorites to make the final/win the tournament. These facts are not unrelated.

Xavier – Their PG is 5′7”, at best, and has two “variations” on his shot: a deep three when no one guards him, and a running floater (I call it a “teardrop” because it makes me cry to watch…and not in the “autistic kid making eye contact with House in the episode of House where the autistic kid makes eye contact with House” way). They have one other good player (Duncan) and spare pieces. I picked them to the Elite Eight, a pick I still agree with, and one which suggests something about this tournament and college basketball in general. Hint: It’s a thing….

West Virginia – Their “best” player is a white guy who shoots nothing but terrible fadeaways from 13 feet out. They are going to be beat by the team described above. These facts, too, are not unrelated.

Michigan State – They beat two teams from Pennsylvania, a feat almost certainly equalled by plenty of teams in the past. However, judging from the coverage of their upcoming match with Memphis (the number one team in the country entering the tourney, but now only slight favorites to win), it is also apparently a feat that Maurice AUGERS well for their future. (See what I did there…I took a guy from Michigan State’s past (Maurice AGER) and used his name as a pun for “predicts things for”…fucking brilliance). Anyway, they suck, and are boring. Luckily for them, Tom Izzo is an excellent coach and can probably point to a Memphis player and say “foul him.” Probably. I’m still taking Memphis.

Memphis – Hi kids! Do you like Memphis? (Yeah yeah!)
Wanna see Billy Packer stick a sharp knife through each one of his eyelids? (Uh-huh!)
Wanna copy Derrick Rose and do exactly like he did?
Try punching fans and get messed up worse than Joey Dorsey is?
His brain’s dead weight, he’s tryin to get his head straight
but he can’t figure out which stripper he wants to impregnate.
And John Calipari said “CDR, you wasted”
Uh-huh, so get him the ball, you fucking basehead.

Texas – Players on Texas >>> all other teams in country not named Kansas or “UCLA”
Rick Barnes <<<<< All other Coaches still in the tournament
Splitting the difference makes them a Final Four loser to Kevin “I don’t” Love “to look clean”

Louisville – Their “best” player is a white guy who can draw fouls inside AND passes well. They are my sleeper pick to make the final/win the tournament. These facts are not unrelated.

Stanford – Their “best” player is a white guy who can draw fouls inside. And his just-as-gaily-named brother is also on the team. Brook and Robin go home in a blaze of Texas 3’s and androgeny.

Davidson – His name is apparently pronounced “STEF an.” That’s really all I got. Focusing on names and colour of skin here, folks. This shit doesn’t always write itself.

Wisconsin – Probably the best team with absolutely no freaking shot of winning the title. So, uh, they got that going for them. If they were named the “Beavers” instead of the “Badgers,” that would be two things they had going for them. As it is, though, they really only have the one.

Villanova – I work with a kid who went to ‘Nova, and I live 25 minutes away from Philly. Just thought you should know.

Kansas – The team that likely has the best athletes, the best sense of playing as a team, and the most actually GOOD defenders who PLAY defense. They also have Bill “Rick Barnes” Self. I will lose money on them, and I will hold it against them for, say….at least 5 years.

Washington State and Tennessee – D    o    n    ‘   t      c     a   r    e…but for Phil’s sake: PENIS PENIS PENIS

Morning Routine

Every morning I do the same thing…..your mom!!!! OOOO!!! See, it works two different ways, ’cause I have sex with your mom AND I imply that she’s not even a person. See?!??!

Anyway, I do the same thing. I wake up and have a bowl of cereal splattered with milk out of one of the two open containers of milk we have in the refridgerator because Laura won’t drink out of the older one. I shower, dress and walk 2 blocks to the train station.

Once the train pulls into Baltimore, I either wait on the Penn Station platform or walk past the He-She to the UB/Mt. Royal station to catch a train to Lexington Market and the home office.

When I get to work, the real fun (and by that, I of course mean “monotony”) starts. I turn on all the lights, as my co-workers won’t be there for at least another hour or so, to carp about how they have tons of work to do, then sit around and discuss whether John McCain’s wife is hot or not. In the silence before the inanity, however, I can almost enjoy myself, so I settle down for the first of many hours staring straight ahead at a computer screen.

Invariably, the first site I visit is imdb.com, which also happens to be the focus of my first post (man, I bet you thought I was leading nowhere, but oooohhhh no, I am leading places…important places). I go there to start my day for a variety of reasons, including their ”Truly Trivial” and “Movie/TV Quote of the Day” quizzes, and the roll of 10-12 movie related links at the bottom. As a man who loves to watch movies instead of, say, writing a law review article, I can get behind this hardcore focus on the uniquely self-serious world of the ridiculously useless, aka Hollywood.

However, I also go there to learn. For instance, yesterday I went to the site and found out that Simon Pegg is much older than I thought. This could be good news, because it means that a 38 year old man can thrive mostly off of zombie movies and acting like a complete retard, albeit a British one. However, it could also be bad news if he spends the next/last 5 years of his productive life doing Star Trek movies, conventions, and sexing (make sense of that), until he’s a fat middle-aged wanker with nothing to offer me.

I also learned that Johnny Depp’s butt buddy, Freddie Highmore, turned an astounding 16 yesterday. He still looks 8, so I imagine he doesn’t have anything to worry about for a while. However, in a year or two, his age might start to creep through, and Depp might start to “find neverland” somewhere else other than Highmore’s East End. If you are asking whether I am implying that Depp is a homosexual pedophile, then you are a moron. Also, I am jealous of Highmore, mostly for the fudgepackery.

The real benefit of imdb.com, however, are the sections delivering “news” from around the world, straight to my cubicle. Did you know Jane Fonda said “cunt” on television yesterday? This marks the second time in a year (Andrew showing me the clip of her on Colbert’s show in one of Andrew’s Comedy Central fugues) where I was shocked, shocked at Ms. Fonda’s behavior…I mean, aren’t corpses supposed to be, you know, more dead? In more “news,” some chick who was apparently in “The Crow” 14 years ago pulled a Winona Ryder on a LAX gift store, the Coen brothers are attempting to cement their reputations for being genius writers and directors by co-directing (i.e. doing half the work of a normal director) a movie based on a book by someone else….AGAIN (this time Chabon’s Yiddish Policeman’s Union), and Jason Biggs, who was briefly famous for fucking a pie, is having a child. Splendid.

The best news item of the day, however, was this:

“Actress Michelle Williams opened up about her failed relationship to Heath Ledger just weeks before the death of the tragic star. In an interview with Britain’s Wonderland Magazine published this month, the Oscar-nominated Brokeback Mountain beauty discussed how much her life had changed since her September 2007 split from fiance Ledger, admitting she has learned not to plan too far ahead in the future.”

Two things immediately jumped out at me from this. First, they called her a “beauty.” I will try to say this politely…she’s…uh…fucking disgusting, like a walking duck parading as an ugly human. Second, I’m not sure the lesson to be learned from some guy taking about 7 different pain killers and sleeping pills is to “not plan ahead.” Especially if, you know, you’re the mother of a 2 year-old child who just lost her dad to his having ingested 7 different kinds of prescription medication. I’d suggest, instead, planning way ahead…like for the psychiatrist to normify (the best word) a kid whose dad died when she was 2, and whose mother is an ugly whore duck who was famous for making out with a cereal box.  The End.