Because I am waiting for Laura to come home from her Happy Hour, perhaps with pretzel covered hot dogs, I turn on the T.V. SportsCenter has not one, not two, but THREE “Breaking News” items to start their show. First, Asante Samuel signs a deal with the Eagles. You may be asking yourself “Whozee did what now?” and this would be the correct response. However, since I live in Philly’s news zone, I care because I will have to hear about it endlessly, interspersed with talk about how the Eagles should trade the Black Quarterback and put in that kid from Houston, because uh…(insert rationalization to hide Philly’s racism). Awesome.
Second bit, Johan got lit in Spring Training, by Juan Gone of all people. Coming off last year’s mediocre second half (by his standards) and the upward-trending HR rate, I am slightly terrified that Johan will only win 25 games this year against the beasts of the National League.
Finally, and the catalyst for this rant: Barry Bonds’ 2003 testimony will be unsealed/released to the public. OR something. Look, I am a huge baseball fan. And I happen to be a lawyer. But more than anything, I am BORED. Bored of terrible “legal” analysis by some guy ESPN unearthed from the mass graves of unemployed lawyers to give some credence to the anchors’ claims that Barry Bonds is in “BIG TROUBBBBBLLLEEEE!!!”
No, he’s not. Moreover, no one cares if he is. I dare anyone to tell me correctly what this case is about and what its current state is. I guarantee that, outside of the prosecutors (MAYBE, though they too seem completely fucktarded), no one could. Given 100 random people who are “fans” of baseball, 75% would tell you that he’s being tried for use of illegal steroids, 10% will say he lied in front of Congress, with maybe 15% knowing he is on trial for perjury during testimony before a federal grand jury. However, that 15% would likely be unable to tell you what the original case was about, or what “lies” Barry is supposed to have told.
However, I can guarantee that 100% of them wouldn’t give a shit. And those that say they do will be lying, and mostly from that 75% who think he is being charged for doing drugs. Oh, and they would be whitey white white. But that goes without saying.
Seriously, when the most interesting sports news of the day involves football free agency (entire NFL FA process boiled down into one sentence: “I would like to sign you to a contract for 12 years, 300 (non-guaranteed) million dollars, with a 2.4 million dollar signing bonus, which will of course comprise the entirety of the money you see from this deal after we randomly cut you to offer someone else 400 (non-guaranteed) million dollars of fake money”), and the signing of the player who two-handedly lost the Patriots the Super Bowl.
